I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
