If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
