his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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