i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
