I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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