man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
