phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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