"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
