I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
