..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
