just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
