It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
