It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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