I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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