i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
