Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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