Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
