I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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