Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
