i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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