This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We need a shit load of segways right now
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
