he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
