why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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