he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
