There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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