i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
