I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
