3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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