You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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