What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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