I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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