she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
