grandma shit on top of the toilet
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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