Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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