My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
