I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
