running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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