What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I died a long time ago.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
