My first STD was from a foam party
I want to walk on stilts...naked
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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