The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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