so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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