Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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