Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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