I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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