Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
even my farts smell like vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
