I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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