I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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