I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
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