I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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