I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
