I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
