3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Randomize
