Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
