Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
