I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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