I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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