I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
