If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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