Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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